


Imperial Helpers Trying Their Best

by Sm0lAvidReader, Vox_Panica_48



Series: SW: Dad Jokes and Similar Shenanigans [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Darth Vader is a scary boss, Gen, Imperial Officers (Star Wars), In-Universe Meme, Mentioned Luke Skywalker, Original Character(s), Self-Indulgent, Skywalker Family Drama (Star Wars), Social Media, Star Destroyer Executor (Star Wars), Stressed Firmus Piett, the imperials are just along for the ride
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:21:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27764419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sm0lAvidReader/pseuds/Sm0lAvidReader, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vox_Panica_48/pseuds/Vox_Panica_48
Summary: The Imperials are attempting to handle Darth Vader’s obsession with Skywalker. No one told them it would include dramatic dad syndrome and a dash of Treason. Piett needs a vacation, Veers is sympathetic, the communications officers are dying, and the rest of the ship gossips. Just another wonderful day aboard the Executor.
Series: SW: Dad Jokes and Similar Shenanigans [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2022440
Comments: 63
Kudos: 176





	1. Admiral Piett Enables Vader’s Reign of Terror on Spacebook

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter includes: Firmus helping his boss, being confused, and digging himself into a hole.
> 
> Tip: For better context check out Skywalker Genes Cannot Be Stopped. Or don't. Your choice.

Admiral Firmus Piett loved the view of Cloud City from the _Executor_. The pink clouds and shining metal of the city was a welcome reprieve from the vast emptiness of space. 

Darth Vader had been very anxious and strangely anticipatory en route to the planet, executing several ensigns who upset him. While the deaths themselves were not an anomaly, Vader usually spaced them out. This time his boss committed five murders before Piett’s second cup of coffee had the time to cool. Naturally, this caused his blood pressure to skyrocket. He could practically hear his sister’s nagging. Come to think of it, Wilhelmina’s voice wasn’t very good for his blood pressure either.

Piett was therefore quite relieved when Vader finally left the ship with a squadron of troopers. A turbulent Darth Vader meant more paperwork and more headaches. He loved his job and respected his boss but even Firmus “obsessively hunting down pirates” Piett was tiring from the 3-year long chase. Perhaps things would work themselves out this time.

*One Improbable Hyperspace jump later*

Piett should have known better by now. This particular group of rebels seems to pull miracle escapes out of their asses. He should dispose of all future hopeful thoughts regarding rebel captures lest the galaxy read them as a challenge. It’s not like his life was on the line or anything. 

He was rather glad his neck was surprisingly not on the immediate choking block. Firmus couldn’t afford the awkwardness of his family finding out about his job in the navy thanks to a death notice. It was bad enough they still believed he was an accountant on Coruscant. Piett should tell them the truth. He will tell them. Just not right now.

*Ding* That was his comm. He was getting hailed by Lord Vader. 

Guess he was too hasty with his celebration. A private death was nicer than a public execution anyway. More dignified. 

The real shame for Firmus was that his sister will have earned eternal bragging rights. She had been adamant that joining the navy was liable to get him killed. It was one of the reasons he had been frugal with the truth.

Unbeknownst to the resigned Admiral, Lord Vader had summoned him for something far weirder than death by mystical wizard space gravity. Admiral Piett will one day look back at this moment and decide that this was the beginning of his true introduction to the limitless chaos of Skywalkers. It was also the beginning of his newfound desire for a vacation. 

Piett was so busy mentally wishing the _Lady_ goodbye that he was completely shocked when Vader asked him a question as soon as the office door closed.

“What do you know about making a Spacebook account, Admiral?”

Odd. Piett didn’t think he was terrified to the point of passing out on the way to Lord Vader’s workspace. Well, he couldn’t be disrespectful to his boss on the off chance that this wasn’t a fever dream. 

“Milord, I do not have an account myself but I have helped General Veers create one.”

“That will do Admiral.”

Thus began the several hour process of making two Spacebook accounts. About thirty minutes in, he had accepted that he wasn’t dead and he wasn’t hallucinating. It was a surreal revelation. Of course, Piett wasn’t going to ask why his boss needed an account. That question was essentially above his pay grade.

As for the reason that the setup took several hours instead of 45 minutes, Darth Vader insisted on reading all 52 (font-size: 8, single-spaced, no margins) of the terms and conditions pages. This time he was brave enough to cautiously probe the man for an answer.

“I don’t know if you are aware, sir, but the terms and conditions are very frivolous.”

“I am aware but the last time I did not read the fine print, I ended up three limbs short.” 

(sweatdrop) “Ah, understandable.”

Piett did not understand. His instincts said this topic was unsafe. No more questions.

In the end, Darth Vader walked away with the username DarthFather501 while Firmus took the moniker ImpeccableAlways. Officially the weirdest day at work ever. That time the 501st snuck a Tooka cat on board is now ranked second.

* * *

As soon as he was free, Piett headed directly to Veers’ office. He needed a relatively private place, a trusty friend, and a drink. Good thing Maximilian Veers supplied him with all three.

Ranting was freeing. Firmus needed someone else to share in his pain and to assure him that he hadn’t been overreacting to the bizarreness of the day.

“A Sith Lord actually on Spacebook?”

“It’s weird isn’t it, Max.”

“Absolutely, but what are you going to do with your account?”

“What do you mean?”

“Won’t your family be able to see it?”

Oh no. That was not good. He had already friended Lord Vader so he couldn’t delete the account. Maybe Firmus could come clean to his family in the very near future? On second thought, the sister-fearing man had reached his quota for near-death experiences.

“Guess I’ll lie then.”

“Firmus, that’s a terrible decision. Just call up your parents and say that you really are that Piett in the navy. It would be so much easier.”

“Or I could run my profile as if I were a workaholic accountant living on Coruscant with an equally hard-working accountant friend named Veers.”

“I didn’t sign up to be dragged into this.”

“It works as a cover story for your account since I know you use it to try and contact Zev.”

“Fine. I’ll help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vader is going to confuse a lot more subordinates before this is over. Not that he cares. The fine print is a reference to his rather rash decision to pledge himself to Sideous while sleep-deprived and panicking. 
> 
> Thanks again to the New SW Canon Discord server, @loosingletters, and @Jackdaw_Kraii for enabling our writing.


	2. Meme Troubles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke sends Vader a meme. Vader is very very confused. He decides to enlist the trusty Admiral Piett to help him decipher the image.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holiday Season! We hope you enjoy this chapter.
> 
> Just in case: Warning for mentions of drinking.

It was all Darth Vader could do to not incessantly check his new Spacebook account for a message from his son. His son who had accepted his friend request. His son who showed a willingness to get to know him despite all the pain Vader had caused and who had listened to his apology. His Little Star who was one of the last cherished pieces of his Angel. His Little Star WHO JUST SENT HIM A MESSAGE!!!!

His datapad let out a *ding* that sounded as sweet as the music of the finest musicians of the Imperial Court. Without hesitating, Vader opened the program and clicked on the little notification that read “LittleStarR5.” Every time he saw Luke’s username and heard the accompanying *ding*, he felt a little spark of joy. Despite all that had happened that day on Bespin, the messages were a constant reminder that his son hadn’t permanently rejected him.

Upon opening the message, Vader was met with an image. (see link at end of the chapter)

There was a tooka cat. It’s toothy smile stretched across its face as it stared at Vader from the screen. This confused the Sith but what he saw next was even more confusing. In the top left, there was a picture of a prosthetic limb. Surrounding the cat, there were words. The words were in various colors and seemingly random. Vader squinted in confusion at the five text blocks.

“REaL!?!” What?

“It Grab.” That is indeed the function of a prosthetic arm, but why point that out?

“Stronk.” What on the kriffing bones of Darth Plagueis was a STRONK?

“MUCH WOW!” WHAT? That’s not how Basic works. Tatooine’s education system is nothing to talk about but it surely wasn't that bad?

“UWU.” What is an… UWU? Is it some form of bird on a planet hitherto unknown to the Empire? No that could not be, Luke was from the Outer Rim, there is no way he knew foreign birds.

He narrowed his eyes under his mask, thoughts swirling in confusion. Was this meant to be accompanied by more text? Vader closed the image and checked the message thread. There was no accompanying message. Was this some form of rebel code? Should I enlist the Imperial codebreakers? No, too risky. It may result in Darth Sidious learning of Luke’s existence. Perhaps there is some record of this code in the Imperial archives?

Twenty minutes of searching the databases of the Empire later, Vader was forced to admit defeat which was not a pleasant feeling. It reminded him of a time before he was strong, when he was still… He crushed the thought, refocusing on his task. Perhaps the archives are incomplete but that could not be. Maybe it was time to bring in some outside assistance. But who?

* * *

Admiral Firmus Piett was enjoying a low-stress day. No one had been murdered, there had been no reports of any rebel activity and best of all, he had already finished the day’s paperwork. He surveyed the rows of stations from where he stood on the bridge of the  _ Lady _ and smiled to himself. His face was as impassive as ever, but his close friends would be able to detect a slightly jovial spark in his eyes. Oh how soon that was about to change. 

His friend and comrade General Maximilian Veers stepped up next to him. Piett inclined his head to the man and Veers reciprocated. There was no need for any other communication. Both of them knew the meaning of the gesture. They were almost done for the day and nothing terrible had happened. Every quiet day was a blessing from the galaxy for the hell the men had been put through during the hunt for Luke Skywalker. The two men stood in amicable silence until a sudden chime sounded from Piett’s belt.

With the practiced ease of a man who performed this action hourly, Piett pulled his comm from his belt and glanced at the message. 

**_Report to briefing room 266 immediately Admiral. I require your assistance with a matter of grave importance._ ** __

Seeing the sender was almost enough for Piett to break his impeccable composure and sigh heavily. Fortunately, he was too practiced to have such a slip. Nevertheless, Veers took notice and raised an eyebrow. Piett ignored his friend’s questioning gaze and turned to address the next highest ranking Naval officer.

“Captain Taylor, you have the bridge. His Lordship requires my presence.”

“Yes, Admiral.”

  
Although he kept his voice perfectly level, he knew that Veers heard the subtle undertone of _Force why me?_ As Piett left to heed the summons, he could feel Max chuckling under his breath even though he couldn’t hear it.

Halfway to the turbolift, he heard a *ding.* He pulled out his comm and took a look. Fortunately for Piett’s mental health, this time it was Veers. 

**I can tell that you are going to need a drink after this. If you survive, I have a bottle of Nubian Vermouth that isn’t going to drink itself. My door is open.**

Thank Force for Maximilian Veers. Firmus knew that without the man’s support, he would have hurled himself out of an airlock ages ago. Fortified by the promise of good alcohol in his future (he crushed the stray thought that he might not have a future), the Admiral briskly made his way through the ship to the room Vader specified.  ****

The door opened with a metallic hiss. Piett swallowed and reminded himself that he had made it this far. Lord Vader was sitting calmly at the head of the table, scrolling on his datapad.  ****

“Ah, Admiral. Have a seat.” Vader gestured to the seat at his left side. Piett hesitated for a fraction of a second before striding into the room and taking the offered seat. His calm demeanor hid any trace of anxiety.

“I have a matter of vast importance that I need to discuss with you. This is confidential. Nothing discussed between us today will leave this room, is that understood?”

Piett nodded. “Of course, my Lord.”

“I have summoned you here because you have been most loyal during your tenure on the  _ Executor _ and that has not gone unnoticed. I am entrusting you with a secret not even the Emperor knows.”

Piett’s mouth was drier than it has ever been in his life. What did he walk into? This might be treason. He did not sign up for treason. Still, considering the two options, the Emperor was much farther away than the dangerous Sith Lord currently in front of him. Unable to speak, he merely gave a strangled nod.

Vader continued. “I have a son named Luke Skywalker.”

Piett could not believe his ears. Spacebook was one thing but THIS. He had to be having a fever dream this time. Did Darth Vader, the Iron First of the Galaxy, the inhuman Sith Lord, HIS BOSS actually… reproduce? Nope. There is no way Vader was capable of wooing a woman. No no no. Stop that thought right there, Firmus. Everyone knows that Sith Lords multiply via asexual reproduction. There is no need to imagine otherwise. Piett fought the urge to cough uncomfortably. Okay focus… HOLD ON DID HE SAY LUKE SKYWALKER??? As in the Commander of the Rebellion and the Destroyer of the Death Star? The same man they had been hunting all this time?

Vader eyed him strangely for a moment, then continued. “When we were on Bespin, I was… momentarily reunited with him. Rather than come with me and forsake the Rebellion, he decided to fall down a mining shaft. However, before he fell, he made a pun as if to try and punish me for severing his arm.”

Piett’s eyes widened momentarily and he cursed his sympathy for Skywalker. Lord Vader was terrifying to friends and enemies alike. If Piett had just lost his arm to the man… he’d probably jump too. However, that begs the question. Why would the Imperial Prince leave his father for the Rebellion in the first place? Why does the Emperor not know of him?

“Fortunately,” Piett perked up at that word. Vader was taking him through a TIE fighter ride of emotions, not all of them pleasant. “you assisted me in creating a Spacebook account so I could talk to him. Our communications have been going well. Today, however, I was greeted with this. ”

Vader brandished his datapad at Piett, who slowly reached out and took it. He surveyed the image displayed on the screen impassively, very aware of Vader’s red lensed glare.

“What do you make of it, Admiral? I searched the Imperial databases and found nothing. I believe it may be a form of rebel code.”

Piett shook his head disbelievingly. “My lord, this is not code. I recognize the format of this image and the text. I believe this is called a MEME in the language of the youths. My nephew sometimes sends them to me and I just smile and fake a response. I am afraid I do not understand this… meme nor do I know exactly what they are.”

Seeing Vader’s fist clench in frustration, Piett hastily continued. “While I do not personally know how to interpret this, we recently took on more men and some of them are in the same age range as your son. I might be able to find a translator if my Lord wishes?”

“See to it, Admiral. I expect to see options on my desk tomorrow.” With that, Vader took back the datapad and swept out of the room, cape dramatically flowing behind him.

Piett waited until the door closed before slumping over his chair. He was keeping secrets from the Galactic Emperor now. Wonderful. He sat there for a moment gathering all of his chaotic thoughts involving Skywalkers and Imperial Intrigue before adjusting his cap and leaving in search of his datapad.

* * *

**Later In Veers' Quarters**

Piett was deep in his cups at this point in the evening. Was it evening? Force knows, all he knew was the cold, timeless abyss of space. He slowly lifted his head off the desk where it was laying and looked at Veers. Dimly, he thought that he should probably stop drinking lest his liver decide to complain. The drunk part of his brain scoffed. In the span of a few weeks Firmus had had two overly stressful and baffling meetings with his superior. He still wasn’t convinced that he wasn’t trapped in a hellscape fever dream. Plus Piett had been taking a few fake office photos on the side for the sake of his “accountant career”. He deserved a few drinks. 

“You’re not allowed to talk about it are you?”

Veers finally broke their comfortable, inebriated silence. 

“No, no I am not because I value my life. But if he ever does tell me that I can talk about it, you will be the first to know.” 

Veers nodded and Piett dropped his head back onto the desk with a dull thud. He did not sign up for this. It was at this moment that the thought of a vacation entered his mind for a second time.

* * *

Below is the meme that Luke sent Vader.

<https://smolavidreader.tumblr.com/post/638621867225350144/star-wars-meme-for-chapter-two-of-imperial-helpers>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all the lovely people on the New SW Canon discord server. They are the reason we were encouraged enough to try our hands at writing with the intent to share it with other people.


	3. Jack Kestal and the No Good Very Bad Horrible Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vader terrorizes a young communications officer, Jack Kestal, into helping him translate memes from his son. Jack did not sign up for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone. Hindsight is now 2020. Hope you enjoy this chapter.
> 
> Warning for descriptions of panic attack symptoms and the general murderous tendencies of Darth Vader.
> 
> Note: The numbers ie. [1] correspond with notes at the end of the work.

Jack Kestal couldn’t fathom how he found himself in this situation. Sitting at a table in an interrogation room aboard the  _ Executor _ , talking to Darth Vader about the subtleties of meme language. As if that wasn’t stressful enough, it looked like Darth Vader, the Dark Lord of the Sith, was mentally  _ TAKING NOTES _ . If he wasn’t so sure that his life was on the line, he would have passed out. The room was so tense, a Vibro-blade probably couldn’t cut through the stress hanging over Jack. In the deafening silence, Jack decided to review how he got here in order to understand who he pissed off to deserve this current level of Sith hell.

It probably went wrong when Jack didn’t have his coffee. Stars, caffeine is the only thing keeping him together every day. He should have taken the broken machine as a bad omen and gone directly back to bed _. Steady Jack. Stay on target. Don’t die._

* * *

**Beginning of the Day**

Jack woke up, as usual, with a pillow to the face from his eternally cheerful Howler [1]  roommate/best friend, Eli Asteer. He let out a resigned sigh, brushing his hair out of his face as he squinted at the blurry figure raising his pillow to strike again.

Stretching out his left arm into their shared quarters, Jack muttered, “Strike me down Eli. End my suffering.”

“My pleasure, Yack.”

With what Jack could only imagine was an evil grin, the silhouette of Eli brought the pillow down with all his might square into Jack’s stomach. Eli wasn’t very strong, but Jack was a good friend and Eli’s appointed hype man (A terrible decision really. The only thing he was good at was being sarcastic and quiet). So when the pillow made an impact, he let out a dramatic groan and pretended to die. He heard laughter from Eli and opened one eye. Eli was sitting on the floor, nearly doubled over and clutching at his midsection. Jack cracked a soft smile at that and got out of bed. He walked over to where Eli was cackling and gently nudged his shoulder.

”Let me get dressed and then we can get this day rolling, yeah?” Jack smiled as Eli nodded and got up. 

“I promised River that I would try coffee this morning, so you’ve got to help me fix it up.”

“I thought you didn’t like ‘bean juice’?”

“Oh, I don’t. But River bet me 20 credits I couldn't drink three cups of the stuff and I am not about to pass on that. I may be a wimp, but I am a brave wimp.”

“That doesn’t even make sense, dumbass.”

“Hey! Your role is hype man, you’re supposed to support me, not take me down a few pegs because you decided to side with the clones over your own best friend!”

“We are only best friends because you wouldn’t leave me alone.”

“Is that all I am to you Jackie? A piece of gorgeous eye candy you got stuck with?”

Jack rolled his eyes and left the room, quickly showering, and getting ready. When he emerged, Eli hopped off the top bunk and the two silently walked to the mess hall. Jack did not function in the morning unless he had at least 4 cups of coffee. This fact earned him Eli’s eternal mocking. Furthermore, knowing that Jack would fall asleep if they took one of the shuttles that carried officers around _,_ Eli always chose the walking option. Twenty boring minutes later, Jack began to perk up at the enticing aroma of oatmeal. Heaven for the night owl. Quickening his pace with coffee on his mind, he almost missed River coming up on his left. Almost.

River attempted to pick him up every other day and although Jack couldn’t prove it, he was sure Eli was paying River. Today, however, before River had a chance to tackle him and carry him bridal style, Jack sprinted the remaining meters and entered the mess hall. This was a mutually agreed-upon neutral zone since food was sacred.

Jack proceeded to grab a tray and rushed to the queue behind a few other communications officers. By the time he made his way over to the coffee station, a worker had placed an ‘out of order’ sign on the machine. The coffee machine, the savior of terrible mornings, had broken. There was nothing to feel but dismay and horror at the sight. He felt a hand clap him on the shoulder and shock him out of his grief. It was Eli who was shaking his head in mock sadness. 

“This is a tragedy. The most powerful organization in the galaxy and they can’t even keep their coffee machines working? How am I supposed to prove River wrong now?”

Jack glared at Eli. 

“Oh yeah, I suppose you’re important too. Kriffing hell, what will you even be like without coffee? Please don’t kill me. I’m too pretty to die.”

Jack scoffed and stalked over to their usual table. He did his best to block out Eli who had decided that it would be a great idea to arm wrestle Kix. River and Volt cheered them on and took bets from the rest of the troopers seated around the table. Didn’t they know it was too early to be this excitable? If only the coffee machine hadn’t betrayed him.

Once finished, Jack practically ran out of the mess hall hoping that jogging to his station would serve as a substitute for caffeine. It could be wishful thinking, but he felt more alert than usual when he sat down and slid on his headset. Logging into the _Executor_ ’ _s_ systems, he pulled up his assignments for the day, very aware that he would need to be extra careful.

A no-coffee Jack usually meant sloppy work. He was very good at fixing his mistakes, but it was the embarrassment of having made the mistake that would get under his skin. Hopefully, today wouldn’t be too bad.

The next few hours were spent in silence. Jack slowly worked through his pile of assignments, subtly sending each one to Eli to double-check before they made their way to their final destination. By the time Jack looked at the clock again, it was only a few more minutes until his lunch break. Perfect. He could try getting some midday coffee, just to be safe. Would it keep him up past the hour when he should be sleeping? Yes, but sleep was for the weak anyway. 

Unfortunately, Jack’s luck took a hike. He should have known that nothing was going to go his way because nothing good could come out of a day started off by a broken coffee machine. 

He glanced at the clock again. Five minutes and then he was free for a quick power nap and coffee at long last. Jack caught Eli’s eye and winked, to which Eli responded with finger guns. 

Just as he was about to finish another report, he heard a pleasant *Ding*.

It was his communicator. 

He blinked. 

Jack didn’t have many friends and the higher-ups hardly bothered the communications officers. No one ever commed him unless it was Eli or River wanting him to moderate some stupid contest like a mouse droid surfing race. That one ended in a lot of screaming. 

Jack picked up his comm hesitantly, hoping against hope that it was a prank or something trivial. Instead, his blood froze at the sight of the message. Forty-five years knocked off his life by a few measly pixels. 

“Report to Interrogation Room 2-146B immediately.”

Oh, stars and planets this is the day he dies.  _ Interrogation Room??? _ Jack would normally be having a panic attack but his anxiety demon had a heart attack leaving him in pure shock.  _ What was he supposed to do? _ Jack stared blankly into space for several minutes. Fortunately, his best friend was used to this and pulled him out of that state.

“Yack?” The voice sounded like it was coming from inside a long tunnel. It bounced around in his brain until it registered as Eli’s. 

“Jackdaw, you okay?” He couldn’t breathe. Looks like his anxiety demon resurrected and is making up for lost time.

“JACK!” That was more forceful. Jack’s vision sharpened and his head snapped up to meet Eli’s worried eyes.

“Are you okay? You look like you’re about to pass out and you’re kinda shaking?”

Oh really? Jack looked back down at his hands and noticed the datapad was quaking in his white-knuckled grip. He was two steps away from hyperventilating again and not ok in the slightest. _If I die, remember me and tell my sister Aaron I love her even when she’s being annoying._

“I… I’m okay. I’ll see you later, alright?” He said, you know, like a liar. 

Jack willed his hands to stop shaking and was unsurprised when it didn’t work. It was worth a shot even though his body never listened to him before.

Eli nodded, a worried look in his normally mischievous eyes. Jack chose to ignore that look and got up, snapping off a salute to the officer on duty. He had selected denial as a coping method.

_Was it all in his head or did the Lieutenant whisper “Good luck, kid” as he walked by? It was probably all in his head but damn if that wasn’t how this day was going. No coffee was one abject misery, but interrogation on top of no coffee? Nothing in the Academy had prepared him for this. This was the exact reason he became a technician and not a soldier. Soldiers deal with this kind of nonsense on the daily. A tech on the other hand? A tech deals with this maybe ONCE in their career, less if they are not very high on the ladder._

Jack stumbled his way through the halls, having to pause and remember to breathe on the way to Interrogation Room 2-146B. It was a good thing Eli had made it his mission to force Jack to explore every inch of the  _ Lady _ , otherwise, he would never have made it to his destination in his current state. 

He made his way to the lift, luckily managing to catch an empty one. He didn’t think he could handle having to deal with other people at the moment. Jack sagged against the wall, feeling like a planet was crushing his lungs. His uniform felt suffocating. He was a ball of anxiety and fear. 

Soon enough Jack was in the bowels of the ship, staring down a desolate, dark grey hallway lined with red lights. He stepped out of the elevator before he could lose his nerve and began composing a will in his head while he marched to his possible death. 

_At this point, I need a will. Stars what did I do? Did they finally find out about the datapads that I helped Eli hide around the ship? No that’s stupid, I wouldn’t be interrogated for that. What was I doing? Oh right. My will. Okay. To my dearest friend Eli, my favorite comfy sweater. The dark green one with little orange leaves. And the box labeled “To Eli with love and hate”. To River, my favorite plants, Aasta and Cintara, since he is the only one who has the sense and botanical knowledge to care for them. To Aaron, all of my books and holos of planets that I visited. Also, she should have my Spacebook account. To my parents… Oh no, why are there troopers standing outside the room?_

The hour of reckoning was upon him. He stopped in front of the troopers, trying desperately to remember if he had seen them before. He couldn’t remember anything. The only thing he could feasibly remember right now was the words of his father the day he received his assignment to the  _ Executor _ . 

“Don’t do anything stupid Jack. The commander of the  _ Executor _ is not someone to be trifled with. You have a good head on your shoulders. Make sure it stays that way.”

He swallowed heavily and snapped to attention in front of the troopers. 

“Ensign Jack Kestal reporting as requested.” Jack prayed that his voice sounded stronger than it did in his head. 

The troopers exchanged a glance and stepped aside as the door opened. They ushered Jack inside and then retreated, shutting the door behind them with a metallic hiss. It was too late to escape now. He was trapped.

Jack shivered, this time from the frigid temperature instead of nerves. He quickly surveyed the room. A single table in the center, a chair on one side and two on the other, bare walls. Jack couldn’t even make out the outline of the door from which he entered. He assumed there was someone watching him but he couldn’t pinpoint from where. He sat down in the single chair and waited.

* * *

Admiral Piett looked down at his datapad and back up at the shaking redhead sitting across from the one-way wall. The poor boy looked like he was ready to pass out and Piett didn’t blame him. An unexpected summons to an interrogation room without any warning or explanation is the stuff of nightmares. Personally, Piett disagreed with this method but the specter of death standing next to him wanted to make an impression. This was going to be an interesting job interview.

Piett cleared his throat. Vader didn’t look at him or even acknowledge that he had made a sound, but somehow the Sith Lord still conveyed the sense that he expected Piett to continue. 

“This is the ensign I spoke to you about earlier, sir. Jack Kestal was born and raised on Alsakan and has shown loyalty to the Empire. He graduated with honors from the Imperial Academy on his homeworld. Kestal has been a reliable and steady communications technician for over 5 months now. He has not engaged in any dubious behaviors, nor does he seem likely to socialize or speak of this encounter. He is also of the age range you requested, sir.”

Vader extended his hand and Piett wordlessly handed him the datapad. He waited, a single drop of sweat dripping down the side of his face. Several silent moments later, Vader nodded and handed the pad back to Piett.

Firmus thanked whatever otherworldly entities were watching out for him and ensuring that his temperamental boss continued to keep him around. No matter how many times Max bugged him, he was still not ready for his family to find out that he did more than punch in numbers.

“Very good Admiral. Let us wait for another moment and then I will begin the interrogation.”

Piett nodded and turned back to observe Kestal. He felt a kinship with the young man, a certain type of kinship which only occurs between those poor individuals forced to deal with that special brand of Skywalker dramatics. Any self-respecting person would be smart to run far far away from Vader and his son. Unfortunately, Piett was attached to his job as Admiral, and Kestal was cornered. Neither could afford to escape. 

After a few tense minutes, Darth Vader spoke up. “I have waited long enough. You may wait here Admiral and listen to the conversation but I alone will speak to the boy.”

“Very well sir.” 

Vader strode forward and pressed the control to open the door into the room. Kestal, who had been staring at his boots and looking like he wished he could be anywhere else, jerked his head up at the metallic hiss. When he saw the imposing figure of Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith and Commander of the  _ Executor _ , what little color remained in his face drained. Piett winced at that, hoping the boy could keep it together. The lad was only 23 and it would be a shame to reset the murder clock after the crew made it a full 5 days without incident. [2]

The door slid shut behind Vader and Piett began monitoring the conversation.

* * *

**Inside Interrogation Room 2-146B**

Jack felt the grim reaper looming over his shoulder and laughing at him. Just when he thought his day couldn’t get any worse, who appears in the doorway?  _ DARTH KRIFFING VADER _ .

_ Oh, angel of coffee, why hast thou forsaken me in mine hour of greatest need? I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to function properly today as soon as I saw you were gone, but how could I have foreseen this. How could you betray me like this? I thought you were supposed to be my greatest ally. Yet here we are. About to die.  _

Vader stood ominously in front of the now-invisible doorway through which he entered. Jack was frozen in terror. He was sure he was being punished for something he did but he had no idea what could warrant a visit from the Emperor’s enforcer. Said enforcer strode forward with the intensity of a hunter stalking its prey. Jack tried not to recoil in fear, remembering that Eli would resurrect him if he died and make his unlife hell.

Suddenly Jack remembered his training. This was the  _ COMMANDER _ of the  _ Executor _ . A sign of respect was demanded. He stood up abruptly, legs shaking, snapping off a salute that could have been way sharper. Jack had to give himself a pat on the back for actually managing to stand up and salute when his body felt like jelly.

“Ensign… Ensign Jack Kestal, reporting as requested, my Lord.” 

Jack’s voice was little more than a stage whisper but he was sure that Vader had heard him. 

“At ease Ensign.” Vader’s voice seemed to contain a hint of amusement. Jack was sure he was dead. Or maybe he was hallucinating. Everyone knew Vader was a robot. Perhaps this was a sign he needed to make some lifestyle changes. Maybe… just maybe… two hours of sleep and no coffee was a bad idea. 

“I’m sure you are curious about why you are here. It has come to my attention that you fit a certain demographic. Unfortunately, this demographic has been inconveniencing me lately.”

Jack swallowed heavily and tried not to hyperventilate.

* * *

Inside the surveillance room, Piett pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. The dramatics never ceased with Lord Vader but he didn’t think that his boss would go so far as to give the poor boy an aneurism just to extend the suspense. Piett stopped that train of thought and scoffed internally. Who was he kidding? This was exactly the kind of thing that Vader would do. Why, just last week, he nearly caused the early demise of Ensign Detmer by implying that they had been responsible for the scratches on his TIE fighter. Everyone knew that the Sith Lord did all the work on his TIE and no one came near it lest they meet their end. Piett shook his head and went back to listening and monitoring the boy’s vitals. With the heart rate he had, it was a miracle Jack Kestal was not in cardiac arrest.

* * *

Jack swore he was about to have a heart attack.  _ WHAT DEMOGRAPHIC???  _ Did Vader think he was a rebel, a traitor? What on Alsakan could have led him to arrive at that conclusion?

“I need your assistance in decoding a message of grave importance. I have been in communication with a high priority target who recently sent me a message that I cannot decipher. As there was nothing in the Imperial archives, I enlisted the help of Admiral Piett, who informed me that you might be able to offer some insight. Here is the message.”

Vader produced a datapad from thin air and placed it on the table. With a cautious look at Vader, Jack scooched his chair forward and peeked at the datapad, expecting to see long lines of encrypted words or a transcript of a conversation or even an audio file in one of the 15  languages that he spoke. One can imagine his shock, therefore, when it was none of these. It was a meme. 

“That’s a meme!” Jack blurted out, then tacked on a “sir” for good measure. 

“What, pray tell, is a meme?”

“Uhhh…” Jack felt what little of his soul was left leave his body. “A meme is a form of Holonet communication that arose about 10 years ago, I think. Typically, it is a picture with some text overlaid on it like on this one. They are meant to express humor that uh… cannot… be communicated… verbally.”

“Try.” Vader rumbled.

“Okay. Umm, it would help if I could have some context about the circumstances surrounding the sending of this meme?”

“No.”

“Alright then. Perfectly understandable. This might take a while, my lord. I am going to need to give you an overview of basically the entire history of meme culture for you to understand.”

“Proceed, Ensign.” The threat in his voice was not even subtext at this point. Jack cleared his throat and began. 

“The first thing that you should know about meme culture is that it is like a hive mind. For example, I know nothing about the context of this meme, but was able to glean it’s memeing, I mean meaning. That being said, it might not be a universal experience. Some people experience humor differently and memes are a manifestation of that difference. There are different subclasses of memes, but we are not going to get into that today. Let’s take a look at your meme, shall we? The first thing that you see is the tooka cat, correct? This is the base. Think of the base as the foundation of the meme. Typically, a cute animal will be a common starting place for memes and reaction images. From this, we can start to figure out the tone of the meme. Most of the time, it’s satire, but not always. The tooka cat is smiling, which means that it is genuinely happy, indicating it is not satire, or it could be a sarcastic smile, in which case it is definitely satire. In this instance, I believe it is not meant as satire because of the prosthetic in the corner. I think that someone would be thrilled about receiving a prosthetic, especially since they are often given when the patient has a congenital birth defect.” 

Was it Jack’s imagination or did Vader shift uncomfortably when he mentioned prosthetics? No that’s got to be a trick of the light. Jack shook his head and continued.

“Now let us look at the text. The first thing I notice is the font. It is Comic Sans, which is a universal meme font. It typically indicates that the creator of the meme was being passive-aggressive in some way although I can’t imagine why in this instance. Getting a prosthetic arm when you have been without one your whole life should be a good thing. Even if they recently lost their arm, a prosthetic is generally something to celebrate. The colored text is meant to add flavor to the meme.”

Jack risked a glance at Vader and saw a nod of his head. Was Vader mentally taking NOTES? Oh Somber [3] protect him, Vader was taking this wayyyy too seriously. Maybe this WAS important.

“Next up on our analysis is the words. Quick side note before we dive into that. We need to talk about purposeful bad grammar. A lot of the time, these memes will have horrendous grammar and I mean truly terrible. This does not reflect a lack of education but rather a purposeful disregard for the rules to be humorous. For example, uhhhh some people my age will not use capital letters when they are messaging or add extra punctuation. It is a form of emphasis and is considered hilarious. Notice the alternating capitalization patterns on ‘real.’ That is meant to indicate incredulity or sarcasm. This is likely in reference to how lifelike the prosthetic in the corner looks. The tooka cat, eh the author since they are one in the same, cannot believe that the prosthetic isn’t a real arm. ‘UWU’ is hard to explain. Suffice to say it’s a cutesy way of expressing a mischievous smile. ‘It Grab’ is in reference to the function of the prosthetic. This hyperbolic shock of what the prosthetic does furthers my impression that this meme is meant to be satirical. ‘Stronk’.... Uh I’m honestly not entirely sure about the meaning of stronk give me a moment to think about it and we’ll circle back. ‘MUCH WOW’ in this context is supposed to be sarcastic, I think. Overall I’m beginning to rethink the tone of this meme. I think that it’s supposed to be satirical. Would you concur with that, M'lord?”

Jack glanced at Vader who stiffly nodded his head. Jack was beginning to get the feeling he had been drawn into something that would become a major source of stress. He made a mental note to order a coffee maker via Shiraya Shipping. He could not afford to be without coffee on the off chance that days like today would become a regular occurrence. 

“Okay so all that’s left is stronk.” Jack paused to think for a moment, trying not to focus on Vader, who was radiating impatience. “Stronk is… it means strong basically. The creator seems to be implying that the prosthetic made them stronger. Does that clear it up, my lord?”

“... Your explanation was adequate. One more thing: could you summarize this meme in one sentence?”

Jack thought for a second, contemplating the meme. “The creator lost their arm, was upset, and is starting to move on enough that they can joke about it.”

Vader wasn’t moving. Did he say something to upset the terrifying man? Jack snorted internally. He would know the answer to that in a moment if his air supply was suddenly cut off. 

“Thank you, Ensign. Your insight was most valuable. I will be calling upon you again in the future. Admiral Piett will summon you in the next week for a briefing on your new duties.”

With that, Vader left the room. Jack slumped over the table and rested his burning face on the cool metal. He sighed heavily and closed his eyes. Thank stars it was over. Then the last words Vader said sunk in. 

_ “I WILL BE CALLING UPON YOU AGAIN IN THE FUTURE”??? OH NO. PLEASE NO. _

* * *

Piett watched the conclusion of the interview with a small seed of warmth growing in his chest. Comforting and soft, the feeling spread over him and he realized it was pride. He was  _ PROUD _ of the young Ensign who had successfully survived a one-on-one encounter. He knew Admirals (at this he paused to remember the misfortune of one Admiral Ozzel who didn’t know when to shut up) who had not survived such encounters.  _ Yes, _ he thought with some satisfaction _ , I made the right decision in choosing Kestal from the candidate pool _ . 

Piett was broken out of his thoughts by the sound of Darth Vader stepping back into the room. He snapped off a crisp salute before pulling up the file on Ensign Kestal and opening a new note, in case Vader needed something. Piett waited until he heard the door close to begin speaking. 

“Were you satisfied with this Ensign, sir, or should I send for another?”

“He will do,” came the raspy reply. “You are to brief him on his duties and the procedures we developed. I sense distress radiating off of him. Make sure he knows that his duties are of the utmost importance to me and that he is to come to me as soon as he receives a message from Skywalker regardless of what is happening. Let him know that he will not be harmed and is doing the Empire a great service.”

“I will my lord. Do you want me to brief him now or,” Piett glanced into the room where the lad appeared to be hyperventilating, “wait until he is not in shock?”

“Immediately, Admiral. The sooner he is prepared, the better.”

“Yes sir.” Piett saluted again as Vader swept out of the room. He let out a sigh of relief and made his way into the interrogation room. 

The Admiral was somewhat alarmed when he could not initially see the young ensign from where he was standing. As he rushed forward, his eyes settled on the limp form of Jack Kestal sprawled on the floor, blacked out. Piett tapped his pad, summoning the troopers from outside to sit Kestal back on the chair. It was a reaction not entirely unexpected given who had been in the immediate vicinity recently _._ At least Kestal had waited until after Darth Vader had left.

Piett surveyed the boy critically as the troopers propped him up. The next few weeks were sure to be trying.

Piett looked at his pad again, then back at the ensign, and made the immediate decision to take a quick trip to his own quarters. If they were going to have this conversation once the boy woke up, he thought both of them could use a drink. The whiskey Firmus kept on hand for dealing with Skywalkers wasn’t going to drink itself.

* * *

Notes

[1] Howlers are carnivorous, reptilian quadrupeds that may be native to Yavin 4. They attack prey mainly by lunging and clawing, but they do have an ear-splitting howl that they use to stun prey.

[2] The crew of the Executor has a clock that they reset every time Vader kills an Imperial for some slight. There may or may not be a betting ring on how long until the next reset.

[3] Somber is the primary deity in the Alsakan culture. Its religion had faded but was renewed with a vengeance during the Alsakan Conflicts. It symbolizes the sorrow of losing a loved one, of hopeless situations, of lost causes. (In case we haven’t mentioned it yet, Alsakan is Jack’s home planet. I, Vox, have taken the liberty of building an entire culture so if you want to learn more, hit me up.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has come to our attention that this story passed 100 kudos so thank you to everyone. We are really really glad that you enjoy our writing. We send love to the Discord server as well.
> 
> Also yes Jack and Eli were given their names as a tribute to the wonderful @Jackdaw_Kraii and @loosingletters.


	4. You're Hired! Please Fire Me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack Kestal awakes to find that he has a new job. Oh, joy!  
> Piett is trying not to be pessimistic but the chance that everything is going to go wrong is too high for comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is less crack and more serious. We are setting up for future events.
> 
> Nonetheless hope you enjoy it.

_Jack Kestal, File Classified_

_Age: 24_

_Rank: Ensign_

_Division: Communications_

_Subdivision: Linguistics and Special Messages_

_Commanding Officer: Admiral Piett under supervision from Lord Vader_

Admiral Piett sighed as he finalized the changes to Kestal’s file. He needed to make sure that only the top members of the Imperial Military could access this young man’s file and see what he had been assigned to do. Piett’s conscience was cringing at the possibility of the young Ensign being executed for treason he did not sign up for. Subsequently, he took a long drink of the amber beverage on the table in front of him. At this point, liver failure might be in his future. That was the least of his issues sadly.

Glancing up after hearing a groan, he saw that Kestal was beginning to wake up.

Piett had previously planned to enjoy his whiskey alone, but he knew that Kestal could use it after being subjected to the Vader Experience™. Good thing he grabbed two cups. 

At the moment, they were alone in the interrogation room. The troopers had returned to their post and weren’t likely to interrupt. Piett had been sitting here for 45 minutes, according to his chronometer, waiting. His patience finally paid off. 

The young man bolted upright as soon as his eyes landed on Piett, snapping into a crisp salute before almost toppling over again at the head rush. He broke the salute to steady himself on the table.

“At ease, ensign. Sit down, I’m sure you have questions. I am here to answer them and brief you on your new role here in the Navy.”

Kestal slowly sank into his seat again, eyes never leaving Piett’s face. They briefly darted down to the half-full glass in front of them then back to Piett. He raised a questioning eyebrow and Piett could not help but notice how dark the shadows under Kestal’s eyes were.

“That is the finest Corellian whiskey that credits can buy. It’s for you, you’re going to need it.”

Kestal just looked at it and Piett had a sudden moment of realization. _Oh, the poor lad thinks I’m going to kill him._

“It’s not poisoned. I give my word as an officer and your Admiral.”

Kestal slowly reached out and took a drink. Piett passively watched as the lad tensed, waiting for the nonexistent poison to kick in. After five minutes without any adverse effects, Kestal relaxed slightly and took another drink. Piett smiled internally, happy that the young man seemed to trust his commanding officer. A few more moments of silence passed as Kestal drained his glass. 

Piett reached out to grab the bottle and top him off, but Kestal placed a hand over the cup. He took a deep shuddering breath and looked at Piett.

“Sir, with all due respect, was that… did I have a fever dream?”

Piett’s composure was impeccable as always but he almost couldn’t help the eyebrow raise. It appeared he and Kestal were operating on the same wavelength. 

“No, Ensign, that was not a fever dream. You have been assigned to Lord Vader as his personal communications and linguistics officer. I suppose congratulations are in order, although you will remain an ensign on all official documents. Again, I am here to brief you on all of your duties and make sure that you understand the gravity of your new situation.”

Piett paused and was not surprised to see shock, horror, and terror flash across Kestal’s face. What was truly interesting was that all three were present simultaneously. He waited a moment for the boy to gather himself before continuing.

“You may speak freely and ask any questions that you have while I am talking. I know that this is an enormous responsibility but I and General Veers will be here to assist you in navigating the tempers of our commander. Before I begin do you have any questions?”

Kestal shook his head so Piett proceeded.

“What I am about to tell you is highly classified information that you are not to tell anyone outside of this room on pain of death. You and I both know that threat is nothing short of completely literal. The meme you were explaining to Lord Vader came from none other than Rebel Commander Luke Skywalker.”

Once again, a myriad of emotions passed over Kestal’s face before he quickly dampened them. The most prominent one was shock. Piett briefly paused for comments before continuing when the Ensign’s mouth remained shut. Both of them wanted this meeting to be over.

“Skywalker initiated the conversation with a meme and Vader was unsure about its meaning as you were recently made aware. He contacted me and I, in turn, contacted you. You were selected because you seem relatively solitary, hard-working, and loyal to the Empire. This was your job interview and you passed with flying colors. Lord Vader approved of your ability to keep your personal fear from interfering in your work. I apologize for the secrecy of your summoning as I’m sure it raised some anxiety, but you must understand that what Vader is doing could be seen as treason from a certain point of view. It is most imperative that word of this never reach His Imperial Majesty. If it does, all of our lives will be forfeit. Do you understand?”

Kestal nodded and asked his first question, “What is my role in all of this, sir?”

“I’m glad you asked. You will be responsible for monitoring Lord Vader’s… DM’s I believe they are called. Lord Vader cannot have his datapad on him at all times but his messages with Skywalker have been deemed top priority. Therefore, in addition to your regular duties, you are to routinely check the platform known as Spacebook to see if Lord Vader has received any communications. If he has, you are cleared to find him, regardless of where he might be, and alert him to the message. You will be informed of the code phrase within the next hour. Even if he is in a meeting with the Emperor himself, you are to interrupt him.” 

“I’m sorry, did you say I am to interrupt if the EMPEROR has summoned Lord Vader?”

“Yes, ensign. Don’t worry, I am sure this will not happen but in case it does, I want you to be ready.”

“If you don’t mind sir, I’ll have that second drink now.”

Piett silently refilled Kestal’s glass and was surprised when Kestal downed it in a single gulp. He watched as the boy, kriff he was young, anxiously ran his fingers through his red hair and absentmindedly tugged at his ear. He proceeded when the boy seemed stable again. 

“Here is Lord Vader’s information. And this is the code you will use when you have received a message. We do not want word of this situation being introduced to the gossip mongers.” There was a ding as Kestal’s comm beeped. “I expect you to carry your pad with you at all times. I recommend that you create a Spacebook account if you do not have one already, in case Lord Vader needs to contact you and he has his pad. I also suggest that you friend General Veers and myself. Feel free to use us as resources if you need. My username is @ImpeccableAlways and Veers’s is @Too_Stressed4This. If you need something and we are on duty, you are free to contact me via comm or come and find me directly. I will let your CO know that you have free reign. Please refrain from abusing that. Once more, I must stress the confidentiality of this assignment. I know you are close with your roommate… Eli Asteer. Under no circumstances are you to disclose any of this information, to anyone, not even your family. If anyone asks, you are authorized to tell them that it is classified. Do you understand?”

“Yes sir.”

“Do you have any questions?”

Kestal contemplated for a moment and Piett took the silence as the chance to slam the rest of his drink, pour out another, and slam it too. He felt the pleasant warm haze of the whiskey settle over him and then focused his attention on the ensign. 

“You said I may speak freely, correct sir?”

Piett nodded his assent. 

“Is there any chance that Lord Vader will kill me and replace me? And if so, will my family receive fair compensation?”

Piett started internally. He knew from the reports that the ensign was down to Coruscant, but he was not expecting such a blunt statement about the possibility of his own death. He made a mental note confirming that Kestal seemed sensible and straightforward. Maybe the whole messaging affair between their boss and his estranged terrorist son wouldn’t end in explosions. Hopefully.

Piett was also surprised that Kestal was thinking about his family when he was going to be under a mountain of stress in the near future. That was probably hypocritical considering how moments from death he himself thought about his family being proud of Accountant Firmus Piett who drank more coffee than whiskey.

“Provided you do not do something incredibly stupid, you are not likely to be killed. But if you are, rest assured your family will be very well taken care of. I’m sure Lord Vader would see to it or have me see to it.”

Kestal nodded, satisfied. “One more question, sir. For clarification, my new assignment is to monitor messages, find Lord Vader should any arise, and wait nearby in case he needs something translated?”

“That is correct, Ensign.”

“Very good, sir. I can do that.”

“Excellent. Please ensure that you are ready to begin your new assignment tomorrow morning. Let me know if you need anything, Ensign Kestal. Dismissed.”

Kestal stood up and snapped off a salute. Piett watched as he walked towards the door. 

“Oh and ensign?”

He stopped, looking back.

“Good luck.” Piett raised his glass and toasted the young man. Kestal nodded and then walked out. 

Piett let his composure slip for a moment, staring blankly at the wall and finishing his glass. He was not an optimistic man. Firmus could only pray that this wouldn’t collapse like a black hole. After a moment of moping, he stood up, straightened his tunic, and marched out of the room, holding the bottle. He had a friend waiting. Good company would relax his worries away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We hope you are getting a feel for how scary Darth Vader still is in our universe. He may be a bumbling dad who cares for his son but none of that applies to the Imperials around him. 
> 
> As always we thank the phenomenal New SW Canon discord server for making us feel confident enough to write fanfiction. Also thank you to everyone who commented and hit the kudos button. It's a needed serotonin boost in these crazy times.
> 
> Lastly, check out Vox's drawing of Jack. It's amazing. https://smolavidreader.tumblr.com/post/639871682326216704/look-what-voxpanica-drew-for-me-its-our-oc-jack


	5. Unstoppable Boss Meets Immovable Datapad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack had a bad feeling about his new job. Still, he didn’t expect to face death the very first time he had to deliver a message.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Sorry it took us so long to update again, but school has been kicking our butts. 
> 
> Just in case: 
> 
> TW for mild description of suffocation and panic attack.

River and Halfsie found Kestal stumbling away from the interrogation room pale as a ghost and escorted him back to his room. Eli was fortunately taking a nap when he staggered to his bunk, half out of it. Jack lay there for an hour, staring at the barren ceiling, thoughts racing. 

Eventually, he realized he would not be getting to sleep anytime soon and decided to go for a very long walk. The gleaming interior of the  _ Executor  _ was oddly comforting to him as he roamed. The halls were empty as afternoon turned into night and he soon found himself in one of the fifty mess halls. There were a few scattered techs and some troopers who were preparing for the night shift, but no one he recognized. He found himself something to eat and a warm cup of coffee with a few shots of espresso and sank to a seat in one of the chairs closest to the door. He sat there for a few hours, just taking in the calm atmosphere, hoping to use it to calm his racing heart and thoughts. His father would kill him if he found out. And what would happen to Aaron if something happened to Jack? They depended on him for their income. Jack was helping to pay for Aaron’s education at one of the finer schools on Alsakan. Nothing was going to prevent him from helping his little sister. 

As soon as the thought crossed his mind, his datapad let out a soft ding. He started, very sure that it was a message from the Rebel Commander, but sighed in relief when he saw it was only Admiral Piett. Then his heart leaped again as he realized it was Admiral Piett. What did he want? What had Jack done this time? He opened the message and merely saw a set of instructions on it. 

**“Ensign Kestal, this is Admiral Piett. I hope you have successfully logged into Lord Vader's account. I am messaging you know to inform you of the procedure under which you will conduct your interactions with Lord Vader. When you receive a message from Commander Skywalker, You are to inform your CO that General Veers or myself has requested your presence. They will not question you. When you have done this, you are to find Lord Vader. Upon finding him, you are to approach and interrupt whatever he is doing. Lord Vader was quite clear: no matter what he is doing, this comes first. When you interrupt him, you are to merely say something to the effect of “My Lord, there is a tooka cat loose in the hanger” or some other part of the ship and hand him the datapad. He will understand that this means you have received a message. What happens from there depends on him. But you will have done your part. You are then to step back and allow him to read the message. If he requires your services, he will say, “Show me” or the like. If not, he will give you the data pad and instruct you to take care of it. This is the signal for you to leave. At that point, you may leave and return to your post. This is outside of Lord Vader’s directive, but I would like you to message me and let me know that you have delivered a message. This way, I can be on alert and assist you if necessary. Do you understand?”**

Jack quickly read the message and sent back affirmation. He felt a bit more comfortable now that he had a procedure to follow. He liked structure. Chaos was not his comfort area. Give him a strict schedule and routine, and he would thrive. That is what led him here. On second thought, maybe a little chaos is a good thing. Had he been more chaotic, he wouldn't be in this situation at all, but back in communications, doing routine work. 

The next three days had been uneventful. He followed his normal routine with Eli, doing his best to keep a facade of calm and normalcy to cover his interior panic. If Eli noticed his sudden uptake in coffee, the other man didn’t say anything, which Jack was grateful for. 

The fourth day though. On the fourth day, Jack was called in for duty. 

But not during the day, no. That would have been too easy. The day was normal, giving no indication of the storm cloud on the horizon. Eli had beaten him to their usual mess hall, and saved him a coffee. Jack watched in mild amusement as Eli finally got around to taking River on that bet they had made. Not only did he drink one cup of coffee, he drank two more, all without any sweeteners. The sight of Eli’s face twisting in discomfort and regret as soon as he began chugging made Jack’s sides hurt as he laughed. River, of course, grumbled from under his helmet as he paid Eli the credits. That afternoon, Eli dragged Jack to meet Magnus Jasbe, who was coming back from assignment for a few weeks. They were also on a classified mission and Jack felt a new camaraderie with them. While they did not know what Jack was going through, the look Magnus gave Jack was the look of a soldier who knew that there was something lurking in the background. Eli would not shut up that whole day, positively delighted that Magnus was back. Jack politely excused himself and went back to his quarters, where he spent the rest of the day reading classical novels and watching funny holos on the Holonet, having been excused from his duties. When he received a Spacebook notification at 1:37:34 AM Imperial Standard Time, he thought it would be one of his Holonet friends. Upon opening Spacebook, he was greeted not with an alert on his account, but from a LittleStarR5 on Vader’s account. 

His heart stopped and he froze for a moment.

It was happening. Kriffing hell, it was happening. This wasn’t a joke planned by the universe to stress him out.  _ Stay calm. _ His assignment actually existed. He actually had to make good on his pledge. He sprang out of bed as quietly as he could, acutely aware of Eli sleeping not 5 feet away.  _ STAY KRIFFING CALM.  _ He pulled on his shirt and boots, stuffing his datapad into his shirt for a bit while he briskly walked out of his room to track down Lord Vader, acutely aware of the ticking clock contained in his shirt. The  _ Executor  _ was a beautiful ship and was unfortunately 19 kilometers long. How on Coruscant was he going to find Lord Vader??? Remembering Admiral Piett’s instructions, he messaged the officer. 

**“Message received from Cmdr. Skywalker. In search of Vader. Do you know where he might be?”**

With that, he took off sprinting towards the nearest lift. He would start with the bridge. They would know where Vader would be, right?

* * *

Ensign Evelyn Savaao was having a good night. She had volunteered to work the late shift that evening, needing to be surrounded by the comfort of the hanger and the constant hum that filled the air after a very stressful few weeks. She checked in with her superior officer, Lieutenant Hailie Yimalva and went to work on the TIE fighter adjacent to Lord Vader’s personal fighter. The coolant system had apparently been damaged a few days ago by someone’s carelessness and she decided to fix it. Lieutenant Yimalva told her that she would be notified when her shift was over. She saluted and went to the TIE. Yimalva was the engineer in charge of monitoring all of the messages in and out of the engineering department. Evelyn jogged across the massive hanger to the TIE in question and slid under the engine manifold. The hangar was mostly empty, with only a few insomniac engineers like her working. She was unalarmed therefore, when the door to the hanger nearest to her slid open. She ignored it and kept working, unaware of the danger she was in. 

Evelyn did not know this, but just as she reached the TIE and slid under it, Lieutenant Yimalva had received a message from Lord Vader.

**“Empty the hanger. I want it cleared when I arrive.”**

A panicked Yimalva began rushing engineers out of the hanger and thought she had gotten them all when she remembered Ensign Evelyn Savaao. Yimalva broke into a sprint headed for where Evelyn was working, but she was too late. Hailie watched in horror as Evelyn was dragged out from under the TIE and then hoisted into the air, grasping futilely at her throat, seemingly being choked by an invisible force. It did not take Hailie long to realize that Vader was choking her in anger. She was helpless to stop it, only able to watch as her best engineer’s life was wrenched from her lungs. Fortunately, help was on the way, just not in the way anyone expected. 

* * *

Jack made it to the bridge in record time. Ever since receiving this assignment, he had been going on runs in order to train for the manhunts through the massive ship. It had only been four days, so there wasn’t much progress, but it helped that he was hyped on adrenaline. After receiving a scolding for daring to approach the bridge, which was quickly silenced by his name drop of Admiral Piett, the acting captain informed him that Lord Vader had last been seen heading towards hanger seventeen. Thanking the bewildered officer, Jack sprinted back the way he came, clutching the datapad like it was his life, which it was at this point. 

He reached the hangar eighteen agonizing minutes later. He took a moment to breathe and straighten his uniform. He simply could not appear before the Supreme Commander of the Imperial Forces looking like a nerf herder. It simply would not do. So he combed his hair with his fingers and walked briskly towards the hanger door. He was greeted with a horrifying sight. 

Lord Vader was standing with one arm outstretched towards an engineer. The woman was suspended several feet above the ground, clutching at her throat, trying to worm out of an invisible grip. There was a horrified officer standing a few feet away, and Jack’s blood ran cold. 

“You were instructed to clear the hangar, Ensign. Why, pray tell, are you still here?”

The woman tried to respond, but merely choked, not able to get the words out. The other officer locked eyes with Jack, and her eyes screamed “Do something!”

Jack steeled himself, pushing the horrible images this scene conjured out of his head, and cleared his throat. 

“Lord.. Lord Vader?” His voice was barely above a squeak, but Lord Vader turned around and fixed his red-lensed glare on Jack, still holding the engineer up. 

“What is it, Ensign?” Vader’s voice was as cold as Hoth and as dangerous as Mustafar. 

Jack tried not to look at the woman dying behind Vader and calmly stepped forward. “There is a tooka cat loose in section forty-seven, deck 3, my Lord. Here is the report.” He extended the datapad out towards the furious commander, pointedly ignoring the shaking. 

Vader paused for a moment, then dropped his hand and strode over to Jack. The woman crashed to the ground in a heap, coughing violently as she tried to regain her oxygen. Jack ignored her, keeping his eyes fixed on Vader as the officer ran to help her.

Vader stopped in front of him and extended the same hand he used to choke the woman. Jack ignored the warnings of his brain that this was a sign of his imminent demise and placed the datapad into Vader’s outstretched hand. Vader’s hand closed around it and Jack took three steps back, finally daring to glance at the women on the floor. The one who seemed so close to death just a few moments ago seemed to be doing okay. He locked eyes with the officer who mouthed “Thank you,” relief shining all over her face as she helped the engineer up and hurried her away from Lord Vader. 

Jack focused his attention back on the Sith, acutely aware of the emptiness of the hanger. Had Jack done something wrong, there would be no one... No. He would not allow his thoughts to go down that path. He straightened his posture and waited, watching Vader. Lord Vader was slowly typing out a message. Jack resolved himself to wait. But then Vader turned his gaze on the poor ensign again. 

“That will be all, Ensign Kestal. You are dismissed. I will return your datapad to you later. Inform Admiral Piett that you will need a new datapad, for use with this assignment only.”

“Yes my Lord.” Jack snapped into a salute and held it for five seconds longer than he needed to, in order to be sure that he was truly dismissed. When Vader didn’t say anything else, he turned on his heels and strode calmly out of the room, emulating the smooth walk of Admiral Piett. 

As soon as the hanger doors closed behind him, he sprinted towards the equipment locker he noticed when he passed the hanger on the way in. He opened it and sank to the floor with his back to the door. Jack curled up and began gently rocking back and forth in an attempt to stave off the rising feelings of panic and relief that threatened to overwhelm him. He had just interrupted an execution. 

Jack Kestal, the nobody ensign from Alsakan, had just prevented an execution from happening. His heart rate quickened as his mind conjured up image after image of the choking woman except this time it wasn’t that poor engineer. His mind was torturing him with images of himself or Aaron in her position, a warning taunt as to what his fate would become if he failed the dark lord. He shut his eyes and started humming quietly to himself, trying desperately to interrupt the rabbit hole of thoughts he was spiraling down. He noticed with a start that he was hyperventilating again and that his hands were shaking. He didn't know how long he had been in the equipment locker. But he closed his eyes again and worked on steadying his breathing. 

When he was sure that he had calmed down completely, he took a deep shuddering breath that rippled through his body. Standing, he decided to go to the medical bay to check on the engineer and make sure that she was okay. Head still rigging from his abnormal breathing, he got up and then sank to the floor with a groan as the world went black for a second. As he sat there, a thought passed through his head. Why on earth was Skywalker so important to Lord Vader? Jack had just interrupted what would have been an execution. Nothing interrupted Lord Vader’s executions. Even if the ship was under attack, he would merely snap the officer-in-question’s neck without a second thought. But one message from the rebel commander and Vader had quite literally dropped what he was doing. Jack was beginning to think that there was something more to this situation, but he stopped the thought. That was way above his pay grade. He took another moment, then stood up slower. Nothing happened this time, so he began to walk robotically towards the medical bay. 

When he arrived, the medical droid took one look at him and sat him down on a bed. 

“You have recently suffered a panic attack,” it intoned. “Allow me to get you some water.”

When Jack protested, it put its robotic arm on his chest and gently pushed him onto the bed. 

“Rest.”

Jack nodded and let his head sink onto the pillow. When the droid came back, he was finally feeling normal again. He sat up as the droid offered him water and looked around the bay as he drank. A few beds down, he saw the engineer and officer. The engineer had her eyes closed, and the officer was holding her hand and talking quietly to the seemingly sleeping engineer. Jack made sure that the medical droid was nowhere in sight, and then hobbled over to them, sitting on the adjacent bed. 

“Hello.”

The officer started, as if she didn’t see him, and then relaxed when she saw who it was. 

“Hello. Thank you for intervening. I don’t know how you did that, but I appreciate it greatly.”

“Of course. I was merely doing my job.” Jack smiled weakly. “Is she okay?”

“The droid says she has a slightly crushed windpipe, and will have some pretty severe bruising, but she will be okay, thanks to you. That’s some job you have, ensign…?” This last part was a question, a fact that registered dimly in Jack’s adrenaline addled mind a bit later than it should have. 

“Ensign Jack Kestal. And yeah, my job is… interesting” he laughed weakly, relieved when the officer joined in. 

“I am Lieutenant Hailie Yimalva and this is Ensign Evelyn Savaao. We are engineers, obviously.”

“Well met, Lieutenant. I work in communications.”   
  
“You can call me Hailie. After all you saved the life of my…” she hesitated. “Very good friend and best engineer. I appreciate it greatly. Working on this ship was her dream, and it would have been a shame if her tour was cut short by a mistake I made.”

“Just make sure that you keep her out of the hangar for a bit while she recovers. I don’t think that she will be very keen on it, but it is for her own good. It was lovely to meet you Hailie. Tell Evelyn I wish her a speedy recovery and if you see me around, feel free to wave me over.”

“Will do, Jack. Safe travels.”

Jack gave a gentle nod and dodged the medical droid on his way out. He took the long way back to his quarters, contemplating the scene he interrupted and the job he had been given. As harrowing as the experience was, it meant that he was relatively safe from the Dark Lord’s fits of rage. When he arrived back in his quarters, Eli was still asleep. He thanked whatever gods were out there that his roommate was a heavy sleeper. Crawling back into his bunk, Jack fell asleep with the scene of the engineer thanking him playing in his head. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Next chapter, we will be stepping away from our beloved OCs Jack and Eli, but hopefully you will like the new addition to our merry band of Imperial misfits!
> 
> As always, a huge shout out to the NSWC discord server, especially @jackdaw-kraai and @loosing letters. We wouldn't be here without your enabling!


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